that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize