i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
