a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
