Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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