I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
