Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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