my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
