we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize