The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
