I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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