I cannot find my penis.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
