It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
