id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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