you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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