I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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