I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
YAS. BRING CRAB.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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