shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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