you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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