i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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