I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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