bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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