ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
