The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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