just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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