This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
