just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
