We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
