i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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