Is it normal to miss your booty call?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
