I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
i need some magic done to my vagina
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
