i will never coherently bang her
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
