my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
