I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
