So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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