even my farts smell like vagina
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize