I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
