Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
