the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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