I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
