I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
