Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
