Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
It's never too late to be topless.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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