i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
