K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
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