Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
