And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
