I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
