Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize