did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
