I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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