Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
