I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
