When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
