I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize