you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
