who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
