you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
