Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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