I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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