So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
