I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
