I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
