never play flip cup with pint glasses
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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