He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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