I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
